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Lupus, I Just Want To Be Normal
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Recovering From Depression

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Submitted by: Carleene, Fort Meade, Fl

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August 25, 2004. I just want to be normal. Last  night I wanted to just be normal, if even for just a little while.  I needed  to feel as though I have some sort of purpose. I wanted to do  something,  anything, to contribute, no matter how insignificant.

So  I sat  out to prepare a meal. The meal consisted of boiling a box  of mac and cheese and  heating up a few hot dogs. By the time the  meal was prepared I was too sick and  tired to eat, let alone clean  up the kitchen. My legs and feet swelled and felt  as though they  weighed 100 pounds each, throbbing with pain. I hurried to sallow  three pain pills, two more than prescribed on the bottle. Three,  because one or  two no longer makes a difference. The pain remains  but I am so drugged it  doesn't seem to matter anymore.

The  life of a Lupie is based on  weighing each daily task  and calculating how much pain and fatigue will be the  result if  we decide to attempt a task. More often than not, we just lay in  bed,  all day, making up for the day or night before. Seemingly watching  TV but  really unable to concentrate on anything as thoughts of  what our life used to be  take over. Feelings of regret, sorrow,  anger, frustration and uselessness begin  to set in. We morn the  loss of the life we used to know. The person we used to  be. Depression  is a constant no matter how hard we try to make the best of a bad  situation.

Our families and friends try to understand but  no one, other  than another auto-immune sufferer, really knows  or understands our daily  struggle. Besides, we try to cover-up  the pain and fatigue because "We just want  to be normal".

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