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A Caregiver's Poem
A Caregiver's Story, Scleroderma
A Smoker's Story....."I Just Want To Live"
Card of Thanks
Coping With Autoimmunity
Fibromyalgia and Ankylosing Spondylitis
Fibromyalgia Talks To You
Hypothyroidism, Low Thyroid Condition
Induced Platelet Disorder
Life With SLE
Living With Chronic Pain
Lupus Knows No Boundries
Lupus, Scleroderma & Raynaud's
Lupus, I Just Want To Be Normal
Multiple Sclerosis, Diane's Story
Polyarteritis Nodosa, "My Old Doctor Is History"
Polyarteritis Nodosa, Winning The Battle
Pregnancy Loss and Lupus, This Is My Story
Raynaud's Phenomenon: Cold Hands, Warm Heart
Recovering From Depression

"Sick and tired of being sick and tired."


am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  In the morning I wake with a medication hang over.  I stumble over to the bathroom sink and swallow the group of pills that were laid out the night before.  Then I stumble back into bed so that I can sleep for another hour or so.
The night before found me in enough pain to chug-a-lug two pain pills.  I can take up to three at one time.  Then I curled up under a quilt on the couch to read until I was so tired that the pain would be minimal to sleep.  When I go to bed at night my mind has nothing to occupy it and so I register---PAIN. 
The pain is in my feet and legs.  It's a result of the medications that I had to take in order to stop my immune system from attacking itself.  Yes, I have one of those rare and strange autoimmune diseases that you never hear about until you have one.  For two years my immune system was out of control attacking itself.  For how many years will I knock around with pain? 
Sometimes, in my weaker moments, when depression is sometimes too hard to fight, I wish that we had forgone the immunosuppresant and just let the disease run amok in my body.  The average life span for someone without immunosuppresant having Polyarteritis Nodosa is five years.  I perhaps would be out of this life by now had I not taken them.  Long ago as I watched my Mother and her sister die of cancer, I had thought, "I'd have to think long and hard before I took Chemotherapy."  Well, I didn't do that.  As prescribed I swallowed Cytoxan right on schedule before it dawned on me that I hadn't thought at all before taking it. 
So here I am.  Caught in a catch 22.  Damned if I do and damned if I don't take pain medication.  I have a chronic illness that has left me with chronic daily pain.  Hmmm!  Not bad for a 66 year old who is also has a hidden disability.  I park in the disabled spots and climb out of the car without a walker, wheelchair or other assistance.  "She looks good.  She doesn't look disabled to me."  I wish I did then I wouldn't have to feel stupid as well as feel the pain.

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